Dear Project Team
Effective immediately and due to recent events , you are forbidden to utter the following phrases:
Direct Connection. In our world, nothing connects directly. I have many pieces of expensive kit between your webserver and the users out on the Internet. They don’t connect directly at all, but when you use this phrase, we have to give the SOC Manager an adrenaline shot to get his heart restarted. It’s a series of tubes with some valves in the way, get it?
What are Oracle CPUs. Look, one more time with this: these are the quarterly patches that Oracle puts out. No idea why they call them Critical Patch Updates except maybe because they’ve been reading their own “unbreakable” literature a bit too much. I don’t care if you call them “Late to Supper” as long as you keep me happy by testing them in the lab as soon as they’re released.
System. Let’s just suffice it to say that in my world, a “System” is something different than what you call it. Think 2 layers abstracted and larger than your idea.
Security Waiver. Please don’t ask the security staff directly about waivers. They’ll only send you on a huge journey to circumnavigate a huge amount of paperwork.
Remote Access. Yep, we have it. But look, you guys are database and applications geeks, leave the drawings to me because you keep drawing the Internet users inside of our network.
Missing. OK, so we have 200 laptops that we don’t know right now where they’re at. But if we use the word “missing”, then I have to spin up the laptop SWAT team from US-CERT. Henceforth and forever more throughout the world of IT, I am the person who can declare something as “missing”. In the mean time, feel free to use the phrase “unaccounted for”.
Wireless, Bluetooth, WiFi. You need to know where I’m coming from on this one. Whenever we have project meetings, there’s an auditor dialed into the phone call, just waiting for us to say any of these words. Then they wake and pounce on us. Mayhem ensues.
Financial Data. Yes, I understand you think of it as financial data but to me, your spreadsheet is a non-authoritative, non-source analytical tool for numbers that just happen to be derived from authoritative financial system sources. When you claim that it’s financial data, you just made a ton of work in integrity controls that is just plain ludicrous.
Tons of Custom Code. When you talk to the user community, talk up your epic slaying of code dragons and the myriad pitfalls of doing so. But when you talk to the security team, custom code implies that we need to do a ton of code review. The official phrase is “automation scripts to assist the users with their workflow” or “glue code to string together existing applications”.
Offshore Developers. I can barely get the security team to allow me to have developers at all, much less developers at a contractor site. Yes, they might be people who happen to live not in the US who get paid to write code. But when you talk to the auditor, we have a word for this stuff: COTS software.
Love you guys. No, really, quit laughing.
–The BSOFH
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